What Changes Everything Page 15

  "Left, then right. One more block and on the left-hand side."

  This one showed an Islamic woman wearing a headscarf and kneeling, an expression of anguish on her face, her arms spread open, one hand colored red. Someone had painted a tag, the letters KBZ, on her knee. She wanted to ask him about it, but he turned away before she could.

  "Four blocks and then a right. Okay, left there. Park anywhere."

  This one: a woman cradling a limp child, her mouth opened.

  "Two blocks and then a right and then a left for three blocks."

  She followed him to a brick wall covered with graffiti. In one corner stood a piece she, by now, recognized immediately as his. It showed a shadow of a male form, and where the figure casting the shadow would be standing, Danil had painted flames. The same insignia: IMOP and Afgh.

  This one, against her will, brought tears. It was, she knew, the cumulative impact of the images, her fears for Todd and the lack of sleep. Not wanting Danil to see, she turned away, but too late; he"d already noticed. He stepped closer. "You okay?"

  She managed to smile. "You must think I"m completely unbalanced."

  He shook his head. "Tired. And stressed. And afraid."

  "This isn"t me at my best."

  "You seem to be doing fine, given the circumstances. But maybe that"s enough for now."

  She did, suddenly, feel exhausted. She glanced at her watch and inhaled sharply. "Oh God. I"m supposed to be on a speakerphone with the FBI in twenty minutes. I"m going to drive right back to my place, okay? Let you out there."

  "Sure."

  They both got in the car quickly. "I want to thank you for this." She glanced at him.

  He didn"t meet her gaze; he was looking down at his camera. "Sure," he said.

  She started the car and pulled into the street. "You know where I live. Come by anytime for worry food."

  He looked up then and smiled. "I will."

  And with those words she felt a sudden, unexpected longing that surprised her—a

  longing for forbidden conversation of the sort that she might have had before with Todd, this time about Afghanistan, about her husband, about loss and fear and endless nights.

  Jirga

  Amin, September 13th

  Everything was mostly in place by the time he arrived. The plentiful food his uncle"s family had provided for the participants was displayed beneath the shade of a tarp. Nearby, a deep red carpet suffocated the bald earth and many already sat at its border. Several glanced his direction; none smiled. Amin lingered outside the circle, waiting for his uncle Mahyar to emerge from a group of half a dozen men who stood off to one side. Mahyar effusively kissed Amin"s cheeks, took his hand, sent greetings to his mother. Only when he pulled Amin to the side did his expression turn dark.

  "You have put us both in jeopardy, Amin," he said, speaking quietly, quickly.

  "I"m sorry for that."

  Mahyar waved his hand dismissively. "Listen. I haven"t much time. Be careful what you press for. The elders must be sure the other side will accept any decision they reach. Otherwise they risk dishonor. This is their limitation. So look for a compromise."

  "Compromise, uncle?"

  "I"ve done everything I can to lay the ground for you. But it"s a complicated game you are here to play, my son. For my sake and yours, be skilled. If you have a way out for all sides, offer it."

  "He must be freed. What compromise is possible? He"s not—"

  His uncle shook his head, cutting Amin off. "We speak now of strategy. I live among these men. So hear me. If you have no planned compromise, listen for theirs. It will not come directly from an elder himself. When it comes, however, do not reject it, Amin."

  At that, he abruptly moved away, smiling in a way that felt artificial and pointless and necessary all at once. Amin understood further discussion would arouse unwelcome attention. "Thank you, uncle," Amin called after him. "I will carry your greetings to our family." Then he paused, nodding to a few of the elders before approaching the circle, finding an opening and dropping himself to a seating position. He knew he was being stared at, but as a guest and an outsider, it was improper for him to stare back. Still he tried to surreptitiously evaluate the attendees. Beyond the inner circle, which he had joined, was a second loop of those who by tradition would not speak but were there to observe.

  He felt sure the kidnappers had someone representing them here, or were here themselves, and that the elders, and perhaps even his uncle, knew who they were; he wondered if they were in the inner ring or the secondary one, and if he would hear from them directly or through a proxy, and if he would be able to discern the difference. He was certain that many men who would never carry out a kidnapping nevertheless thought poorly of him for his presence here and the nature of his appeal, and might well want to express their disdain.

  The session was called to order with a brief prayer. Then Amin was introduced to the assembled by the name of his father to stress to everyone here that he, too, was Pashtun. The meeting, he knew, would not be run by any one man; instead it would operate on the basis of perceived equality. Two of the elders had small piles of stones in front of them that they would use in judging the arguments. One of these two nodded at him, a signal that he was to present his case, though of course everyone present already knew why he was here.

  Amin began by describing Todd"s work over the several years he"d been coming to Afghanistan. While he spoke, each of the two elders moved their rocks around as if taking notes. "This man was in this country to help, and as a guest." Amin paused. "I know I need not tell you this action of forcibly holding him violates the rules by which we honorably treat guests. You know—"

  "But he is not only a guest, is he?" one of the men in the circle interrupted. He looked about 40 years old, with a white turban and dark eyes that seemed at once unfocused and angry.

  Amin ignored the interruption. "I come to you for help because from Kabul, where he was taken, he was driven to this province on the first day."

  "You don"t know that he"s still here," said one of the stone-moving elders.

  "That"s correct," Amin conceded. "He has not been allowed contact with anyone. But those who took him are connected here, even if they"ve moved elsewhere. He has dependents, a wife and a daughter, and no male members in his immediate family. So for their sake also, I ask your help in locating him—today—and securing his immediate release."

  "Today?" the elder said. "You"ve lost the Afghan"s patience if you make such a request. It would be difficult to fulfill your application within a month, not to speak of a single moon."

  "Respectfully, I know the honored members of this jirga can draw camel milk from stones before sundown, if they view it as correct and necessary," Amin said.

  There came an appreciative titter from the second circle but a stern expression remained bitten into the elder"s face.

  Then a greybeard who had not yet spoken cleared his throat. "Can you tell us what this patron of yours believed to be his mission in our country?" he asked.

  "His job is to help refugees," Amin said solidly. "Pashtun and others. As our refugees are, for a time, citizens of the world, so has this man been welcomed here as a temporary citizen of Afghanistan."

  "Still, he moved beyond these parameters," the greybeard continued.

  "We have heard," added another man in the circle, "that he meddles in affairs that have nothing to do with refugees. Affairs that he doesn"t understand."

  "No," Amin said. "That information is wrong."

  "He entices our women to act as Western women," the man continued. "He corrupts them."

  "No," Amin said.

  "These foreigners think they can tell us how to be men?" This again from the angrylooking man. "Our women are our jewels. We know how to care for them—as well as for our own refugees." An elder turned toward the speaker with a look of lowered lid, as though to silence him.

  Zarlasht. Amin still didn"t fully understand her motives, but he grew more certain in that mo
ment that she"d played a role, even if unwittingly. Maybe someone had learned she was appealing to Todd. Maybe she"d given him up in return for safety for her or her daughter. He might never know. He didn"t have time to puzzle it out now. They waited for him to respond, and by tone and demeanor, he had to make it clear that he had nothing to hide.

  "He cannot control who visits his office or what requests are made of him," Amin said. "But I am certain his involvement in Afghanistan has been limited to the refugees. Any other perception is…" He hesitated. He wanted to say a lie. But perhaps this was a form of compromise he could make. "Is a misunderstanding," he said. "This man is a victim. I know this jirga would not sully its place among our people by supporting criminal acts. This is not doing

  Pashtu. Our collective honor is at stake."

  "Our honor? Our people?" A man sitting two away from the angry man spoke now. His voice, though loud, held no emotion. "What our people need, cousin, is money. Call it ransom, call it a salary—you are already getting money from the foreigners. Why shouldn"t we?"

  Amin looked at the speaker, who quietly stroked his beard as he spoke, as if meditating on an interpretation of the Qu"ran. Amin was at a disadvantage not knowing these men or their backgrounds, but he wondered if the speaker had unwittingly revealed more than he intended. "We?" he asked.

  "I speak theoretically, of course," the man answered, confident, even arrogant.

  "It"s true," another man said. "They pour money into here in the billions. But it"s written on the lines of our faces that we"ve seen not an Af. What would it hurt for some of the money that you grab in Kabul to make its way here?"

  One of the elders with the rocks moved two of them into different places, an impenetrable shorthand recorded on the earth.

  "To gain money in this way is dishonorable," Amin said.

  "Nor have they been honorable, these Americans," the man countered.

  There was murmuring then, agreement on this issue. Even without the ability to decipher the meaning of the piles of stones, Amin understood he needed to alter the direction of the conversation. He remembered his argument with Najib all those years ago, and the moment he knew it had become unwinnable. He would not fail a second time. Before he could speak, though, one of the greybeards did.

  "We do not side with criminals, whatever their motivation," the elder said, his voice clear, his tone scolding as though to stop a pointless quarrel. The circle silenced to allow him to

  finish. "But I must make it clear. We view the Americans as criminals as well."

  "Here is my word," Amin said. "This man is not a criminal."

  "Your opinion on who is or is not a criminal," the angry man said, "has already in the past proven to be false."

  "Enough of your talking," another man said over him.

  The jumble of voices signaled the breakdown of the process. "Wait," Amin said, trying to wrestle back attention, but his uncle rose and took his arm.

  "It"s time to go," he said.

  "But Uncle—" Amin couldn"t leave like this. Not again.

  "Do not argue." His uncle pulled him to his feet, eliminating the possibility of choice. "Come now."

  Part Three

  The year before I die I"ll send out four hymns to track down God.

  But it starts here.

  A song about what is near.

  What is near.

  The battlefield within us

  Where we, the Bones of the Dead,

  fight to become living.

  —Tomas Transtromer

  We've lost the knack of living in the world with the sensation of safety. — Maurice Sendak, author of Where the Wild Things Are

  Najibullah: Letter to my Daughters III

  September 14th, 1996

  My dear daughters, I had secretly hoped I might be with you by today, so that we could together break the fast of Ramazan. But because I could not yet join you, I imagined you instead. I pictured you three, your mother and I gathered around the dastarkhan at Iftar and you girls bringing in the platters of naan and torshi, palao, chalow and korma. I smelled the food, and felt your hands touch mine as you passed me platter after platter. At that moment, lost in the image I"d created, I believed we were together. And when, after a few moments, I realized we were not, I would have relinquished all my accomplishments, handed them over to Allah with open palms, only to turn that image real.

  The boy Amin feels my sorrow; after all these months meeting my simple needs, he has become attuned to me. At sunset, he entered quietly, bringing me first a dish of several dried dates. Then he brought in more food—not as much as I have imagined above, but plenty enough for me. He did not seem to want to go home, so I invited him to join me and we sat together quietly, companionably.

  He never looks directly at the pictures I keep of you tacked up in a corner of the room; he does not want to show disrespect. But I also imagine, as he is human, that he has looked at them when I have been out of the room. On this occasion, he nodded his head toward them. "You have spoken with your family this week?" Of course he knows I have, since my phone calls are not secret, but he and the others do me the courtesy of pretending as if I had privacy, as if I had freedom.

  I nodded.

  He stayed quiet but I could sense him wrestling with a thought.

  "Speak," I said after a minute.

  He moved close and lowered his voice. "Doctor President," he began. This is usually what he calls me, as if searching for the proper title. "What if it were possible to arrange for you to leave here?"

  "That"s what I"ve been requesting of the UN all along, boy," I said, speaking gently as I knew his intentions were good. "There have been many letters sent directly to the Secretary General."

  "But Doctor President, I am not speaking of official avenues; they have proven useless. I am speaking of accessing a side door, and going directly to the airport."

  "Escape. That"s what you imagine?"

  He startled, surprised by my laughter, then nodded.

  I thought of dismissing him, turning my back, eating alone. But I knew his heart was good, though he had much to learn.

  "Let"s consider it together," I said. "First, in practical terms. If I managed to get past the guards and slip out a side door, I would quickly be spotted on the street."

  "We will have a disguise."

  "That will hide my physique?"

  "We will put you immediately in a car. It will be night."

  "Ah. And rush me to the airport. And then what? A UN plane is out of the question; they

  want their relationship with the donkey Rabbani to remain intact. A private plane cannot simply take off without an okay from the tower, and that is controlled by Rabbani loyalists. He"s been smart there."

  "This has been handled, Doctor President," the boy said. "We have those who support you with full hearts. Some always have; others have reconsidered their alliances. They include among them pilots, willing to lie about the cargo they carry."

  "You"ve thought it out then, boy, have you?" I was impressed by young Amin, and hesitated a moment, sorry to have to disappoint him. "But we must look at it from all angles. Is it not enough that my country has abandoned me? It"s your plan that I will lower my head and dash from my home sheepishly, like a criminal or a defeated dog? This is the way you think I should secure my distance from the darkness?"

  "Doctor President." He hesitated, then straightened his shoulders and went on boldly. "What are you worth to your country from here?"

  "Amin. Do you remember last year when the UN"s special envoy to Afghanistan suggested I use my kidney stones to get me out of the country? His thought was that I would claim to be more ill than I was. He imagined I would agree to be transported to the airport on a stretcher via ambulance in order to gain my freedom. I refused to take part in this ruse and leave in this manner. Even were I dying, I would not retreat like this, as if I had done something wrong."

  "Doctor President, that was a year ago. Perhaps—forgive me, but perhaps then there was sti
ll time for such pride. I walk the streets that are forbidden to you. I hear the talk. The situation has worsened."

  "Of course it has. The world will not find rest simply by saying the word peace. It needs

  wise leaders, and those are lacking now."

  "And so?"

  "I will never agree to discard my own dignity," I said. "A man is as vast as he acts, Amin. You are smart. You have developed a scheme for my departure and you have thought to approach me on a night when I am weak, missing my family. The only matter you failed to foresee is that it is exactly for my family that I will not agree to leave like this. I will not pass on to my daughters the legacy of a coward."